Funny Notices

After spending some time blogging on the anointing - I thought we might need something a little lighter - let me know your favorite:

Just For Fun

Here is something a little different for Sunday evening:

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
 - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
 - Victor Borge

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 - Groucho Marx

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
 - Will Rogers

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
 - Billy Crystal

Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
 - Spike Milligan

Crazy Quotes

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ...

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

New iPad

You don't have to understand what these people are saying in order to get the drift - Very funny:

...So Dad, How do you like the new iPad we got for you?

While You Are Gone

Here are some more photos from Richard Oddie (Australia):

Did you ever wonder what your pets get up to when you are out of the house?? (Be sure to check out the faces:

Once again - let me remind you to check Richard's guitar playing on YouTube: Richard

Retirement Places

My friend Richard sent this:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is (same in Michigan). 6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan . 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: IF you have a car). 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. OR You can retire to Minnesota where... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. OR You can retire to the Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too. OR You can retire to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass is in the mountains and does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. OR You can retire to the Midwest where... 1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" OR FINALLY You can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

When Things Need Fixing

Here are some ingenious ways to fix things:

The plug needs grounding

A new stereo for the car:

The latest GPS:

Ice cooler when the fridge goes out:

Don't you hate it when the rain disrupts the satellite service:

An ingenious way to heat the water for tea...

The wiper engine is shot

You can't have the exhaust pip dragging on the ground:

A baby feeder patent is pending:

Those darn cords keep falling down behind the desk: